COVID-19 Pandemic, for Cal

This is the continuation of the Leatherkids' exercise to put some thought behind and capture what COVID-19 has meant to each of them, this time with Cal's.  I was really pleased with his creativity in using the 10-letter word "Quarantine" to help shape his thoughts.

Anyway, here are Cal's 10 feelings (missed punctuation left uncorrected).

Q... Questionable - I feel safe but some people question Covid-19.

U... Underrated - people don't really follow social distancing measures.

A... Angry - I feel angry at our failed government and especially Donald Trump! He fired our only chance out of this! Like, what? Even my 8 9 year old sister would've made a better choice.

R... Really Boring - when Spring Break came, it was the most boring of my life!

A... Anxious - I am anxious to get out and see people.

N... No Days Off - I train for basketball every day!

T... Tiring - we've had so many weeks at home and it gets boring.

I... Irritates me to no extent when a word about "fake news" and "disinfectant" comes out of Trumps mouth!

N... Need to get out - I really feel snug and really need to go somewhere.

E... E-Learning really stinks.

And with that, we have a little insight into what Cal's been feeling for the past two months.

COVID-19 Pandemic, for Ella

I asked the Leatherkids to spend a little time capturing independently what COVID-19 means to each of them and said that I'd post it them in my blog.  "I don't know what to write in a blog," they complained together.  I told them not to worry about that and to simply write down how they've been feeling while being holed up with shelter-in-place orders for two months because of the worldwide pandemic.  "Ten things," I directed.  "And I'm not logging you in to play Roblox until you do this." They got right to it.  Unfortunately, I have to do that.  These types of requests are typically met with incessant "I don't want to" or "I don't know how to," and that's where this one was headed.  While unfortunate that I have to, fortunately, I have that play.

Anyway, I thought I'd start with Ella's -- her list was done first and actually with more thought put into it than I expected given her reluctance to do the task.  Here are the ten feelings Ella captured (misspellings and grammar errors left uncorrected):

I feel bored.

I feel happy to be with mom.

I feel mad that Trump doesn't care about the pandemic.

I feel sad not being able to see teachers and freinds.

I feel grateful to have a house during COVID-19.

I feel excited because school is ending.

I feel weird having to stay home all the time.

I feel grateful to have a older brother to play with.

I feel good to have a grandpa who makes me laugh during this Pandemic.

I feel great to have a awesome family who helps me get threw this.

And with that, we have a little insight into what Ella's been feeling for the past two months.

COVID-19 Sheltering in Place Is...

Having officially sheltered in place with my family since March 21st, our everyday life has been disrupted, I believe, worse than we think.  We've had to adjust to new rules and boundaries and had to find new sources of entertainment and inspiration within those boundaries.  Dan and I have good jobs and have been able to work without disruption throughout this, so we haven't struggled financially.  And we have our health.  Even still, this hasn't been normal. It's entirely unknown.  With that, I've run the gamut of thoughts, observations and feelings.  I thought I'd share some of them, in no particular order.

Sheltering in place during the COVID-19 pandemic has been...

... working all the time because it's so convenient and because there's plenty to do.

... Supergirl - the four of us can't get enough of it; and with four seasons, a fifth on its way and 23 episodes per season, there's plenty to be seen.

... discovering the comfort of yoga pants and buying more.

... not wearing a bra that doesn't have the adjective "sports" in front of it.

... mentally surviving an April snowstorm and now a May flash flood, thinking, "really?"

... encouraging Ella to learn how to play a song other than "Hot Cross Buns" on her recorder, being proud of her for learning "Happy Birthday" but wondering if you're the only one who recognizes the high note on the third round of Happy Birthday lyrics isn't quite high enough... every... single... time.

... hanging up the towel in the widely-used half bath outside of my "office" almost every time I go in to use it because the kids just can't seem to remember to do so.

... finding new outlets in virtual yoga and 30-work fitness classes with Ron, our company fitness center manager and, I've learned, life coach.

... occasional check-ins with the kids about their eLearning progress each week, feeling guilty for not checking in more but being grateful I don't have to... except for that one time early on when we learned Cal wasn't doing his work.  He did after that.

... being grateful for having two kids who play and just be together really well, who are both independent and who each make up for the other's shortcomings - Ella lets us know when they've done something they know they shouldn't have while Cal lies through his teeth, and Cal is patient and speaks calmly as Ella screams her head off about some supposed injustice laid upon her.

... telling my kids "no" more than I ever have and feeling sad about it. 

... being grateful for the internet and screen time and feeling no guilt about letting the kids have it.

... playing basketball with Cal.

... doing crafts with Ella.

... wearing my "plantar fasciitis shoes" all day, every day, unless I need my running shoes for a workout or my bike shoes for a ride, and finding they work!

... staying connected by playing Trickster cards and having Zoom meetings with friends and families.

... feeling sorry for my kids, even as they smile.

... worrying that my kids are becoming too comfortable at home and that they'll have to re-learn some social skills as they re-enter society.

... not shaving my legs for days and wearing my "bad" underwear because why not get some more life out of it?

... finding out how gray my hair really is.

... responding to my kids' shock at our two across-the-street neighbors who have regularly spent time playing closely together with, "well some people are just practicing distancing differently," but wondering what are they thinking?! myself.

... being concerned using the right judgment during re-entry as restrictions are lifted - it's just so much easier to have black-and-white rules and follow those strictly.

... finding that the utter insensitivity of people about recent events -- racism, deaths, suffering -- and that our federal government is doing the wrong things to help are really getting to me... I'm just so sad.

... watching Dan work in the living room tirelessly for hours on puzzles that took him days to complete -- it turns out that having hundreds of the same-color pieces isn't exactly conducive to finding two that fit together.

... wondering where to put Dan's completed puzzles that's not back in their boxes because of the aforementioned tireless work on them and coming up empty... and so they still sit in the living room.

... being interrupted during work meetings when I'm actually talking with, "Can I go on the iPad?" or "I love you, Mom" or "Can we make a smoothie?"

... being the one who shops for necessities, making trips to Costco, Trader Joe's, Walgreens and Jewel without my trusty sidekick, Ella, wearing one of my "In the Buff" headbands as a mask and feeling the pressures of getting it right so that I minimize the trips and exposure as a result.

... finding the 6am to 8am window on weekdays to be the most relaxing and productive times of my days.

... drinking wine.

... not emptying the dishwasher because Dan actually has the kids being responsible for it.

... letting the kids fend for themselves for breakfast and lunch but fixing dinners... when I get to it, which is, oddly enough, oftentimes later than when I was going into the office.

... getting back out on my bike.

... watching or hearing a bird fly into our office window repeatedly almost every morning and wondering how he's surviving it.

... hearing the kids fight over time with Zoe, our family cat -- Ella wants to read to her, and Cal just wants to be with her.

... being the B-Dubs picker-upper 

... celebrating my birthday and Mother's Day while holed up and finding each to be pretty much what I would have wanted anyway.

... being really proud of my kids for the way they've handled all of this -- aside from the occasional rift and complaint about having been wronged, they've both stepped up and accepted the reality of all of this better than I could have imagined, not that I knew what to imagine, but neither could they have.

It's endless, really, the things I've experienced, observed and thought.  These are a start and reflective of mine and my family's time these past couple of months.  It's all becoming more and more routine and normal every day, and some of that worries me.  We settled into this quite well - I think we're going to have a difficult time adjusting as we come out of it, however that looks and whenever that is.  Perhaps that summer is almost here will help to facilitate re-entry - it'll be a natural invitation to get out of the house and do things and enjoy our lives.

Notes of Shelter-in-Place

With the guarantee of being holed up at home for several weeks per the orders of our Governor while the country scrambled to contain the COVID-19 virus and the expectation that the shelter-in-place orders would surely be extended through the end of the school year, the four of us quickly fell into our new reality.  Dan and I would be working full-time from home. The kids would be e-Learning essentially five days a week.

I scored the office and the isolation it would give me as I spend hour after hour on the phone in meetings, consistently contributing to them and oftentimes facilitating them.  Everyone in my house learned this quickly, typically entering the room quietly, whispering, "Are you on the phone?" if they need to talk to me or grab the crayon box or a random set of headphones.  Rarely do they actually interrupt me with anything other than a groan or an eyeroll.  They respect my work schedule and routine and have done so from the beginning with only an occasional blow-up.

Dan made his way to the desk in our bedroom.  It's not ideal but is certainly conducive to working.  It's also more isolated than the office given its location on the second floor.  He's on less of a hard schedule, spending less time on the phone than I do and more time thinking and analyzing.  That there's a TV provides him an easy escape when he needs it.

Never having done the e-Learning thing before, we initially attempted to have the kids stick to what their daily schedule would be if they were at school.  They'd do Math when they did math in school.  They'd do Reading when they did reading in school.  Same for Social Studies, Science, ELA, Art and Music.  They'd take their lunches at their typical lunch times, head outside during recess times and make sure they were off their Chromebooks and being active during PE times. It seemed like a reasonable plan.

Midday 1, we fell off the e-Learning plan and soon evolved to an edict that the kids just do their work, take breaks and if they have any Zoom meetings, join those.  Over time we learned that their school work should require not more than two hours each day, which, that leaves 6+ hours of figuring out what else to do, within boundaries, old and new.  With Dan and me working full time, they're left to make a lot of independent choices where every once in awhile their parents step in to right the ship.  We're not yet in a Lord of the Flies scenario, but it is floating around in my head as a possibility.  In the meantime, I'm finding comfort in disruptions and notes where they're asking for permission or informing me of something that they're doing or experiencing.

The disruptions are difficult to manage because they typically come at times where I'm trying to listen and understand something that a co-worker is explaining or where I'm facilitating a discussion.  I have to listen.  I have to talk.  Looking back, it's apparently more important to me to hear or manage the work discussion than it is to respond to my kids' questions as most of the time I respond with a scowl and a whispered, "I'm on a call."  I have to believe that I wouldn't do that if they presented me with something... important... right?

The notes are entertaining and covering many topics, and I actually appreciate them.  I find comfort in them in that it's become a different means for us to communicate.  It's how they ask legitimate questions of me or inform me of what they're doing without interrupting me.

This was earlier, where Cal was still trying to follow his school-day schedule.  He'd run 3/4 mile out and then back on his own, and I asked him just to let me know when he was starting and ending.  I liked this one.

This was also Cal's - he oftentimes escapes to shoot some hoops on our driveway, especially since sheltering in place, and has asked that I come out to play with him.  Sometimes we'd play 1-on-1, other times we'd have a 3-point or a free-throw shooting contest and other times I'd just rebound for him as he shot.  Sometimes my answer to this question was no, but I tried to make that the exception than the norm.

This was Ella's note, just looking for some direction.  When she asks what she can do, a craft is always on the list; but that requires my help.  The toilet part of the proposition must have been a time filler.  And reading - can I force my kid to read more than she's supposed to?

  
This one was also Ella's.  I was impressed at how she set up her argument - she acknowledged the freedom of the scenario for Cal but asked for some restraint so she could focus on her studies.  What kid does this?  I think there are plenty of adults who don't take this approach.  How could I  not respond with some help for her?  I remember helping her, I just don't remember exactly how it played out.

These are more recent than the others.  The kids discovered the Vitamax and their ability make smoothies and shakes with it without adult supervision.  Of course, they made sure that we had the supplies by actually writing needed supplies on a grocery list that I fulfilled late last week.  We typically reserve the shakes for after dinner when Dan and I are in their presence; but they have made a few smoothies on their own with plain Greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, raspberries, ice and "protein powder, Mom, so it's healthy."

And this one.  This one Ella left on the stairs while I exercised.  I discovered it when I was finished and heading up the stairs.  Ugh.  A broken iPad screen.  I read it and wasn't sure what to do next; but she made that decision for me.  She emerged from upstairs, nervous and crying.  I told her it would be okay, that accidents happen and that she just needed to be honest with us.  I told her she could tell her dad and he'd understand.  So she did.  And he did.  It's not a great scenario, and we've had to be sensitive to this since; but she owned this, and I'm proud of her for doing so.

I don't know that I could have expected to be on the receiving ends of so many notes as a means for my kids to communicate with me during the day during this quarantine.  I think that they're recognizing the conditions that they're in and respecting their parents and their parents' work schedules to the extent that they can do so.  It's not ideal, and I'm sure there are some bad habits developing in this; but at least they're communicating, probably better than Dan and I are, holed up in our rooms at our computers.  Hmm...

Social Distancing Begins

Three plus weeks ago, the terms "social distancing" and "stay in place" were completely new to me and ramping up in usage by political leaders and news reporters I follow regularly and respect.  I quickly figured out what each meant, of course.  My company started with a business continuity test geared to keep us at home yet continue to operate our business on March 13th, of which I hated the idea; and, sensing that this thing wasn't going away quickly, our leadership announced that we should all plan to work from home the following week as well, actually practicing social distancing, or keeping a distance from people. Over the course of that week, things seemed to escalate quickly.  Professional and college sports organizations one by one started cancelling their seasons, California declared some stay-in-place orders, New York was quickly becoming the epicenter of the pandemic in the US, and people in Chicago still celebrated St. Patrick's Day despite parades being cancelled and strong recommendations to practice social distancing.  Our governor was pissed and by Friday, the end of our first full week of working from home, we knew that we'd be on the receiving end of stay-in-place orders in Illinois ourselves.  We needed to be home and stay home.

COVID-19 is here and not going away anytime soon.

Going into it, I was afraid of being holed up with my husband and kids for a period of time, say a few weeks.  That's just way too much time with some strong personalities, interests and needs different from my own.  I was also angry and couldn't let go of the fact that the inept, selfish, short-sighted egomaniac who landed in the position of being the President of the United States had cut funding to the CDC in 2018, weakening our ability to avoid or at least minimize the impact of an outbreak should it happen.  I don't know that a pandemic of this magnitude could have been predicted; but I do know that we've been threatened in recent years by SARS, Ebola and Zika and somehow escaped those.  I have to believe the CDC was doing its job when it had the funding to do so.  It wasn't the slowness that our supposed leaders were reacting to the reality of the Coronavirus or the utter underestimation of its pervasiveness they were giving it that bothered me; it was that we even had to deal with it in the first place.  I really believe this could have been skirted in the United States.  We're better than this.

But I let go of that anger.  I didn't let myself be surprised or disappointed in stupid people being stupid, and Trump and his cronies are too stupid and motivated by their own self interests for me to be angry with them. They can't be different.  I've accepted this. As I did this, I found myself going about my days holed up and unaffected by the goings-on outside of my house and finding comfort that governors, including mine, were stepping up, acknowledging the risks and doing something about it.  Planning.  Heeding the warnings of scientists and medical professionals.  And I regularly sought information from those people I knew would provide facts, notably medical professionals like Doctors Fauci and Osterholm.  I found comfort in the reality of the facts.

The COVID-19 pandemic is here.

I can go anywhere with this post at this point.  I've done a lot of adjusting, a lot of observing and a lot of thinking about the effect this pandemic has had on mine and my family's lives.  I figure the best place to start it so answer this: what has social distancing looked like for the Leathermans?

Well, we're not scared.  There aren't a lot of questions about who can catch the virus and what it can do to a person and why people get sick and die from it.  There really aren't.  Dan has probably been the most sensitive to the reality of it, with his somewhat compromised immune system.  The kids are following the rules without much resistance or questions, and I really don't know to what to attribute that. And I... well, if anyone's going to a store or to pick up takeout, it's I; but I have kept that at a minimum, and I am careful about it.

We're working from home.  Dan and I are lucky enough to work for a company that supports this and, thus far, have been able to go about our day-to-day work responsibilities from the comforts of our own home.  I purposely use the term "comforts" because we did remodel our entire first floor a few months ago, and just being at home in the results of that remodel is comfortable.  Thank goodness for that.  I sit at the new desk in the office, on calls and participating in meetings constantly -- this reality of my job is what makes me prefer to go into the office.  And Dan sits at the desk in our bedroom, on fewer calls and going about his days.  He had been working from home three of five days already, so the biggest change for him has been having three other people in his space throughout his workdays.

We're e-Learning... well, the kids are.  To date, e-Learning has thankfully not required a lot of involvement from Dan and me.  The kids are fairly independent and managing their days on their own.  Our requirements have been that they e-Learn on the first floor, respect each other's space, don't turn on the TV and make sure that they "play" as they would at school.  I ask and they tell me they're doing the work they're supposed to be doing and getting help from their teachers when (if) they need it.  I am grateful that they're good students; however, I do recognize that the "Learning" part of "e-Learning" is probably compromised.  I don't know what I can do with that other than accept it.  Would it be better for them to have to repeat these months over the summer?  Or their grade levels over next year?  Methinks not.  I have to trust that whatever it is that we're doing now is sufficient for them to pick up when we come out of this and do whatever they're supposed to do next.

We cancelled our Spring Break.  We were headed to Myrtle Beach. Honestly, I think I'm the only one who actually wanted to go there.  Not that everyone else was resistant, of course; it just didn't have the allure that something like Disney or California or a waterpark an hour away has for the kids. None of us was torn up about it; I just wanted to put my feet in the ocean, really.  I enjoy that.  Instead, I chose to work four of the five days, Dan did puzzles, and the kids did whatever they wanted, with some controls of course, not that I can remember what they were.  Limit TV.  Limit iPad.  Limit X-Box. Get Outside.  Do a craft. These rules were loosely enforced all week and I wouldn't say the "limiting" aspect of them was achieved; but Cal did play a lot of basketball and Ella did do a lot of crafts.  And I made sure to play and craft with each of them when I could.

I'm still exercising, a mix of elliptical, TRX, running, walking, basketball, yoga and now biking.  One would think it's easier to get this in than usual given the work-from-home scenario; however, I'm finding myself getting to it in the evening hours... 4:30, 5pm.  Every once in awhile, a Leatherkid joins me for that exercise; but, generally, I'm on my own, which is what I prefer.  It's still my escape.

We're not getting on each other's nerves, at least not notably more than usual.  There are occasional flare-ups with the kids (Ella hums, Cal is super sensitive to noise); and there are a lot of wrappers, dishes and glasses strewn about, catching the attention and hitting the nerves of (mostly) Dan.  I don't blame him, really.  The rule is so simple - if you take something out, put it away; if you create garbage, throw it away.  Criminy.  Just do it.  I'll never understand why doing that automatically is not the preferred option over not and then suffering the consequences.

We're catching up on TV shows and starting new ones.  Dan and I finished the multiple-season "The Ranch," and he finished "Ozark" tonight (I'll catch up this weekend, I'm sure).  We watch "Supergirl" on a regular basis, now in the second season, on about episode 8 or 9.  It's actually enjoyable and compelling with what I oftentimes describe as having characters who are just "so cute."  MSNBC is on frequently, with AM Joy being the weekend morning go-to followed by some HGTV... whatever's on.  Boring, I'm sure.  I just don't think I can get myself to watch "Tiger King."

We've done some online meetings, too.  The kids have each ZOOMed with their classmates, and Dan and have done so with a few friends to celebrate Perry's birthday.  We've had many Facetime calls with my dad to keep him company and catch up with him, and we also played some Facetime Tenzi with our friends, Al and Lisa.

We don't really know what we're doing other than doing what we're supposed to do.  I am shocked that we're not more miserable about it than we are.  Genuinely shocked.  Actually, I think we're doing okay.  I'm probably working more than I do when I go in to the office (it's so easy to do so).  And, yeah, it's more screen time and less actual learning than is ideal and good.  But we're all making it work.   I am grateful for my job.  I am grateful for technology.  I am grateful for social media.  I am grateful for our governor.  I am grateful for my family adjusting to this new reality as well as they have.  We don't know what we're doing, we don't know what to expect, and we don't really know how long this will last.  We're surviving, and doing so in a (mostly) balanced way such that we should exit with our sanity, our brains, our health and our still liking each other.

COVID-19 is here, and, well, we're just following the rules and surviving it better than I could have ever imagined.

Her Mother's Daughter

Typical of a lot of post-work evenings, I had a lot to do in a small window of time tonight; and I had a plan that fit together nicely, delivering all of it.  I'd get home, eat something quickly, take Cal to basketball practice early, shoot hoops with him before practice, go to Trader Joe's for some much-needed food, head back to pick up Cal, head home to work out and then go to bed.  If Ella wanted join me for most of that, I'd take her.

When I got home from work, I found the kids distracted with homework, having already eaten some dinner (leftovers).  The sink was full of dirty dishes and the dishwasher full of clean ones.  I grabbed a few pieces of cold pizza; and as I did so, Ella got wind of my plans to take Cal to practice and go to Trader Joe's from there.  She wanted to go, but Dan reminded her that she had to finish her homework and empty the dishwasher -- she wouldn't get these two to-do's done before I had to leave with Cal.

"You can't go with me, Ellie.  You have things to do," I said, disappointed.  I actually like having her in tow with me on my trips to Trader Joe's.

"I'm a good helper for you when you go to Trader Joe's, Mom," she said matter-of-factly.

"I know," I said.  She is.  Sure, we come home with something unneeded from the cookie/cake table at the front and either frozen fruit bars or ice cream cookies or both when she's there (she's convincing and I'm easy); but she's a positive force for me, capable of helping me make choices for what to buy, reminding me of things that we need and able to run to the other side of the store when I think of something we should get from a section through which we'd already been.  And, at checkout, she packs the cold stuff in our reusable bag as I pack the dry, getting us out of there quicker than if we wait for the cashier to do both.

I had a revised plan.  "Can you get your homework done and the dishwasher emptied in a half hour?  If so, I'll take Cal to practice and then come back to pick you up so we can go to Trader Joe's together."

She said she could but then paused.  "Can I wear these?" she asked, pointing at the unicorn onesie that she had already changed into for the evening. Of course. She smiled and got right to work, and I took Cal to practice and returned about a half hour later.  She was ready with her shoes on with a polka-dotted vest over the onesie.  She's a regular fashion conspiracy, that kid, just like her mother.

Trader Joe's was pretty empty, and we whizzed through it.  We pIcked up a coffee cake from the cookie/cake table and some frozen fruit bars as well as the stuff that I figured we needed -- milk, eggs, hummus, fruit, chicken, pork chops, pita chips.  Ella surprised me by grabbing the Southwest Salad kit.  "I really like that, Mom."  So do I.

We packed up and paid for our groceries and headed out.  It was about 8:05, and we needed to get Cal at 8:30.  Ella asked where we were headed, and I told her that I figured we'd go home and unpack the groceries before getting Cal.

"I really like that Naked juice," Ella said, out of nowhere.  I bought the kids some of this awhile ago at Costco thinking it'd be a decent way to quickly get them a nutritious breakfast in our rushed mornings.  They actually did like them; but we had been out of them for over a week.

A stop at Costco for this instead of dropping groceries off at home was feasible but definitely pushing it if we were to pick up Cal at 8:30.  It was 8:08.  I decided we'd do it.  "We have to be fast, Ellie," I told her.  Then pulling into the Costco parking lot at 8:14, I told her, "okay, we have 10 minutes to get the Nakeds and a box of chips."  We parked, jumped out of the car and ran in.

We ran right to the freezer section for the Naked juices, and Ella said she'd carry them.  We then jogged up to the chips, picking up some bread on the way.  "Pringles or Baked Lays?" I asked her.  "Pringles," she quickly chose.  I grabbed those and we made our way to the checkout area.

"Look, Ellie, this is new," I told her, realizing Costco had added some self-checkout lanes.  Ella and I love self-checkout lanes.  We knew exactly what to do, scanned and paid for our stuff and then walked quickly toward the exit, Ella with the Naked juices and bread, me with the Pringles.

We were slowed by the Costco guy at the exit who chose to entertain a little kid with a stupid, slowly-drawn smiley face on the back of the kid's father's receipt in front of us.  (I find this to be so annoying, especially when I'm in a hurry).  He then took ours, drawing only a line through our items.  "I guess he only does that for really little kids," Ella said, suggesting she wanted a smiley face for herself.  I ignored her, looking at my watch instead.  8:23!  We were better than targeted and right on target to get Cal in time.

"We're so good, Ellie," I told her, watching her struggle a bit with the jog while carrying the Naked juices and bread.  "Do you want me to carry one of those?" I asked her.

"No, I've got it," she answered.  "Plus, it's a good workout."

I smiled.  "You're your mother's daughter, Ellie," I told her.

She said, "I know."

She really is her mother's daughter.

My Expressive Leatherkids

As one who spent a good part of her life suppressing a good chunk of her feelings, I fully appreciate the negative effect that doing so can have on a person.  Some may argue that I still operate under that suppressing mode, but I do feel like I have "come out" a bit and have realized the benefits of it.  I carry less around with me.  People oftentimes respond in a positive way.  Sometimes desired changes happen.  I just feel better.  I can’t put my finger on any specifically at the moment, but I don’t doubt that I have some experiences that might’ve turned out better for me had I expressed how I really felt about the situations and people involved in them.  I don’t regret them as they’re all a part of my story and how I ended up where I am and who I am now; but let’s just say things could’ve been a little easier for me had I told people how I really felt.

I figure that the risk of the Leatherkids going into their shells when encountering a problem situation that bothers them is in their genes; so, I try to encourage them to express how they feel about things when they’re feeling them.  I want them to be comfortable doing so.  This encouragement has generally been backward looking, meaning I’m not always proactive about it.  In fact, usually, I’m not.  The real story is that a reminder that it’s okay to do so usually follows my responding to some sort of battle over some inane happening with a stern tone, oftentimes at higher decibels and sometimes with a long string of sentences that miraculously make sense despite having gotten lost in the middle of them.

More often than not, the expressing of feelings arises when Ella was wronged by Cal, putting Cal in a position to defend himself.  This morning on our way to school, I had the pleasure of getting roped into such a situation which started for me as, “Mom, I have something to tell you in the car.”  And with that, Ella headed to the car where she waited patiently for me.

I really had no clue what might’ve happened to trigger that invitation.  I had heard them talking but at normal levels.  There didn’t seem to have been a fight.  I assumed she was just going to tell on him, for what, I couldn’t predict.  Everything, it seems, is a candidate for Ella’s tattle-telling ways.

I got to the garage to find Ella secured in the car and Cal shooting some last-minute hoops before school.  The kid can’t sit still.  I climbed into the car, as did Cal, and she immediately hit me with “Mom, Cal keeps saying, ‘your mom’ to me, and I don’t like it.”  What?

My immediate response was, “I don’t even know what that means.”  I tried to dismiss it.  I’m sure it’s some variation of “yo’ mamma,” from my day, which, honestly, I don’t know what that meant, either.

She proceeded to give me some examples, which I can’t recall right now.  But they involved her making a statement and him responding, “your mom.”  “It bothers me, Mom,” she told me.

“They’re just words, Ellie.  Just ignore them,” I wisely suggested.

“Yeah, but,” and she proceeded to tell me more, “and he says ‘your mom’ and also ‘your butt.’”

“Okay, Cal, I don’t like ‘your butt’.  Please don’t say that,” I responded.  He probably said it once.

“Okay,” Cal responded quickly.  He’s learning ways to attempt to diffuse conflicts.

“But, Mom, why does he say ‘your mom’?  It bothers me that he says that,” yadda yadda yadda.

“I know, Ellie, they’re just words.  The best thing you can do is ignore them.  He’ll stop saying it if you do.  He only says it because it bothers you.  But I’m glad you’re talking about it.  Please keep doing that.”  I believe all of that, even if it invites pain and suffering on my part.

I continued to catch an earful from both kids.  Cal played off of my advice and became preachy, and Ella kept telling me his words bother her.  Ugh.  If I stay consistent, it’ll sink in…

The next thing I knew, we were on the topic of their shared bathroom.  I believe Cal brought it up, probably because he was tired of taking the hits for his supposed wrongdoings on her.  We do tit-for-tat in the Leatherman household.

At 11 and almost 9, the kids are old enough that we believe that bathroom, notably shower, time is something we do alone.  And we just don’t walk around naked.  The kids haven’t fully adjusted to this rule of thumb and feel perfectly comfortable disrupting whatever the other might be doing in the bathroom.  It really is not uncommon on a weekday morning for Ella to disrupt Cal’s shower, iterating the rules that have been laid forth about time spent in the shower.  “Cal, Dad said you should only do a rinse-off shower, and that should only take FIVE MINUTES,” she’ll state bossily, whether it’s been 2 or 7 minutes since he started his shower.  She has no sense of time but a lot of attitude about supposedly abusing the rules around it.

This, of course, happened this morning.  Cal had a big problem with it and told me so while we all were in the expressing mode.  Not only did Ella barge into the bathroom and yap at him incessantly, she did so while also ripping the shower curtain open and, I'm sure, standing naked but with a towel on her head having gotten out of the shower herself just five minutes earlier.  Every sense of privacy was violated.

Frustrated, and now standing outside of the school, waiting for someone to let us in, I declared sternly but at a normal volume, “Okay, here’s the rule: only one of you in the bathroom at a time.  This applies to showers, pooping and brushing your teeth.  It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, if one of you is in the bathroom, the other can’t be.  That’s private time.”  I finished by saying bluntly, "And I'm glad we talked about this."

“But, Mom…” and then one of the before-school counselors arrived at the door to let us in.  Our drive from home to school is maybe three minutes, and then we stand and wait at the door for maybe 30 seconds.  All of this was discussed in that time.

And I’m good with it, despite some occasional pain and suffering and a strong preference to talk about something else.  I’m consistent, and they’re expressing.  Eventually, I’ll expect some emotional growth; but they're doing what I rarely did by talking, by telling me what's on their minds; and that's a good thing.