Cool As The Other Side of the Pillow

Legendary ESPN sportscaster Stuart Scott passed away early a week ago Sunday, and I am sad.  Very sad.  As just a plain old everyday sports fan, I'm a lot sadder than I would have expected.  For a few days, I found myself crying about it.  I didn't know him personally.  We never exchanged even a single word.  He didn't even know of my existence.  But I knew of his.

Countless hours of my adult life -- my entire adult life -- were spent getting game results and interesting sports information from Stuart Scott on ESPN's Sports Center.  Yes, from a bar stool after a coed football, softball or volleyball game or from the comforts of my couch at home, I, oh, so often, got my sports scoop from Stuart Scott.  He had a fantastic knack for making an already interesting story (in my eyes) more interesting with high-quality catch phrases like "cool as the other side of the pillow" and "straight butt-ah" and exclamations like "boo-yah!" (or, as Rich Eisen clarified, is actually "boo-yow!").  He was a fixture for me -- I counted on him for information, and he always delivered it in a style that was fun and with the enthusiasm of any fan or player and not the relative stiffness of the typical sportscaster at the time.  And I didn't really even realize what he was doing to his profession.

Over the course of the last week, I sought out and listened to numerous former and current ESPN sportscasters share their stories of Stuart Scott and express their gratitude for what he did for them and their sorrow for having lost him.  As they shared, almost all did so with quivering voices and teary eyes. How lucky these sportscasters are to have known him, to have shared stories and experiences with him, to have been inspired by him.  I've heard him described as a real game-changer for the sportscasting world, particularly for black sports announcers -- I understand now that the catch-phrases he oftentimes used and his fan-like, oh-so-cool delivery of sports updates were not typical of sportscasters at the time.  And they all say the same thing -- no one was more genuine than Stuart Scott.  What I and the rest of the ESPN-watching world saw is apparently who he was.

In recent years, his appearances lessened given his somewhat public battle with cancer.  I checked in on him only every once in awhile to see how he was doing, mostly hoping I'd see him return, not that his colleagues weren't doing a good job but... well... because I wanted him to survive his battle with cancer, which I've learned that he actually did beat it twice.

With Stuart Scott's death, I am reminded of others closer to me but still distant who also died from cancer -- Jane Caliendo, a softball teammate back in the day... Summer Lynch, a co-worker's wife... Kelly Fithian Cloud, an early classmate and bandmate and teammate... Kelly Mason, a family friend.  Others.  All good people.  All people with kids.  Why these people were stricken and I wasn't, I don't know.  That they were stricken scares me because it could easily BE me.

I didn't used to be scared of getting terminally sick.  That I'm getting older and attending wakes for people my age surely contibutes to my being scared of it now.  Really, I mostly blame my being scared of getting sick on my kids.  It wasn’t until I had kids that I became really aware of my mortality.  It’s not that I ran around with reckless abandon prior to having kids.  I am far too risk averse for that.  It’s just that I ran around without worrying too much about my future and when and how it might all come to an end.  I took care of myself (admittedly with some lapses in good judgment), and I believed that as long as I stayed active, caught up on sleep when necessary, didn’t smoke and had a decent diet I’d naturally live for a long time, which I knew I wanted to do but couldn’t pinpoint an exact reason why.  It was a waste of time worrying about the “what ifs,” or the things outside of my control.  Decisions I made would mitigate the risk of some of them occurring, and the rest of it would happen whether I worried about them or not –- so, why worry?

Having Cal and Ella turned this worry-free world I live in upside down.  No disrespect to others in my family and, again, not that I was looking for a way out, but my kids gave me a reason to live for a long time... and now, a reason to worry that it might not work out that way, no matter how hard I try.

I make a conscious effort to not worry about it, "it" being the possibility of dying young.  When people like Stuart Scott pass away, it's tough not to worry.  When I feel the pains of aging, it's tough not to worry.  Sometimes when I even look at my young kids smiling back at me, an older mom, it's tough not to worry.  But I shake it with the words that I've said to my sister many times -- it's just a waste of energy worrying about the bad stuff, the worst-case scenario until you know that it's true because odds are it's not.  Why worry about it?  Just take care of yourself and see a doctor if you really think you need to.  I don't think Stuart Scott would promote such a worry-filled approach to one's life.

Stuart Scott's speech upon accepting the Jim Valvano award for perseverance earlier this year was phenomenal.  Three things will stay with me forever:

One, that he was there to deliver it.  He had just left the hospital having countless body failures and "tubes everywhere" and credited family, nurses and doctors for his surviving it.  You wouldn't know it by how good he looked and how well he carried himself.  I can't imagine the strength it took to be there.  That he was there just backs up what I've been hearing from all of these sportscasters.  He knew the honor that receiving that specific award was.  And I'm sure he knew that he'd have a stage to do more inspiring.  It worked.

Two, that he declared that his fight was really inspired by his kids.  He simply wanted to -- needed to -- be there for his kids.  I get that.  I feel that every day... every minute of every day, even when my Leatherkids are being bears and driving me nuts with their whining and abusing each other and incessant talking.

And three, this quote:  "You beat cancer by how you live your life, why you live it and the manner in which you live it."  I don't have cancer and hope that I never will.  But I think that this declaration applies to me as well -- I need to live my life with purpose and integrity simply because I still can.  It hasn't yet been taken away from me, like it was for Scott and many -- too many -- others without even a choice.  I think I'm a generally good and active person, but I have moments of weakness.  It's during those moments that I remind myself that I am still here, alive and presumably healthy and able to enjoy the coolness of the other side of the pillow.  And I get back on track.

Thank you Stuart Scott.  Thank you for all of the sports updates and stories you shared.  Thank you for what you did for your profession, one that is a part of my everyday life.  And thank you for inspiring me, even when I didn't think you were doing that.  Rest in peace.