Twenty Things We've Tried to Make Ella's Bedtime Better

My dad once told me that when he doesn’t see a blog post from me for a while he worries.  We never got into exactly what “a while” was nor did he let on how much he worries.  I really didn’t give us much of a chance to get into those details – without skipping a beat, I responded, “You should be worried.”

I was only half joking.  A couple of weeks without a blog post generally means that I can’t see past the misbehavior and sad choices the Leatherkids may be throwing at us and my feelings of parental failure as a result.  It means I can’t see the funny, sweet, share-worthy things they may have done or said.  Or I’m too tired to write about them.  My not writing in August is mostly attributable to our bedtime battles with Ella.  This is not to suggest that said bedtime battles have been isolated to the month of August.  Oh, no.  We’ve been dealing with them for months now, maybe even a year.  And after months of many different, home-grown and failed remediation attempts, I am leaving August tired, frustrated beyond comprehension by anyone other than Dan, cold, angry and out of ideas to make it better… except to call for help.

That we’ve come to the point of needing help from a third party is not for lack of trying.  Here are twenty things we’ve tried, a nice mix of both positive and negative reinforcement, with NO RESULTS other than an occasional reprieve for a night or two here and there:

Positive

1.   Play the Frozen soundtrack during bedtime (still used today)

2.   Reward chart – a sticker for going to bed quietly and a sticker for staying in bed all night; each sticker = cash (no longer used – she didn’t care)

3.   A new book after two – JUST TWO -- nights in a row of a good bedtime (she loves books but was never rewarded with one)

4.   Sleep in the foam Mickey chair that converts to a bed (this actually worked well… for a week. I don’t remember exactly what brought it to an end, but the Mickey chair is still sitting in our bedroom, unusable by Ella.  It was getting pretty flat anyway.)

5.   Sleep in the pink Dora toddler bed given to us by our neighbors (this was short-lived – the kids were more interested in jumping on it than Ella was interested in sleeping in it)

6.   Get to eat “a bar” (nutrition bar) in the morning (still used today, I don’t know why)

7.   Put (expensive) Lavender, Peace and Calming and Valor Essential oils – on her feet and on her bed (while Ella enjoyed the special treatment, the peace and calming they were to bring never really arrived)

8.   See Cal get rewards (books) for good bedtime behavior (Cal would ask, “what’s this for?” and we’d tell him it was for being good at bedtime)

9.   Get a big-girl bed if she has a good bedtime for several (unspecified, but she doesn’t really count) nights in a row (at the rate we’re going, she’ll grow out of her current bed first)

10. If she HAD a big-girl bed, Mommy will lie with her as she goes to bed (not possible because #9 hasn't been achieved, though I did lie with her on the floor recently - I committed a half hour to her only to catch resistance when I told her it was time to climb into bed)

11. Read books in bed if pleasant before climbing into bed (she did this once and I told her on other occasions she could do it, not because I thought she deserved it but because I thought it might help calm her down)

Negative

12. Have music (Frozen soundtrack) taken away for the night (still used today)

13. Have baby blankets taken away from her, leaving her with a blanket that actually covers her with wriggle room (these contribute to the struggle anyway because they don’t fit her anymore yet she expects them to lay perfectly over her whole body; I never take her treasured “blue blankie,” though – this is surely going to go with her to college)

14. Have adored dresses and skorts taken away as options to wear the next day, leaving her to choose among her limited selection of rarely worn shorts (I thought this might work but has really only resulted in a next-morning fight about getting dressed; we’re still sticking to this today)

15. Have “Family Fun Friday” taken away from her; see Cal go to movies with Mommy while she stays home with Daddy (did this once – she was upset, but not upset enough)

16. Get yelled at by Mommy or Daddy (used way too often despite every attempt by Mommy and Daddy not to use it)

17. Be “locked” in bedroom with belts stretched from her bedroom door handle to the closet door (rarely used, really just because we were out of options and needed a reprieve – her noise was muffled by the closed door and eventually she’d just fall asleep)

18. Be “locked” in bedroom with Mommy sitting in folding chair on other side of door either holding it or peeking in and reminding her what she needed to do for the door to stay open (used a few times but always lasted too long to be considered effective – with my laptop in my lap, I was productive, either working or blogging)

19. Be told she can’t go on trip to the beach with cousins the next day, which had been planned for weeks (turns out it rained that day, and we ended up going to a trampoline place… with Ella)

20. Be ignored (this is typically used when she ends up on the landing of our stairs, which isn’t so bad if she stays quiet because she does eventually fall asleep.  The problem is, she doesn’t always stay quiet.  I once used the “ignore her” tactic as I lay next to Cal in his bed, and she joined us uninvited and proceeded to sit on me and poke me)

I’m sure we’ve tried more things.  And in between the threats and encouragement was the constant weighing of what giving in to her wishes… scratch that, demands might teach her vs. the sure fight that would follow not giving in to her demands.  Put blankets on in right order.  Re-put blankets on after she got out of bed once... twice... three times.  "I'm thirsty."  Turn on closet light.  “I have one more thing to tell you.”  Turn on the blue stars (turtle that projects stars on the ceiling).  “Start my music over… PLEASE.”  And my personal favorite, “I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!” repeated loudly until I reappear at her door for her to see me hear it (or see it if we’re doing sign language).

Last Monday while I sat outside her door on my folding chair, I told Ella that I’d be calling her doctor and her teacher to talk about her bad bedtime behavior.  It didn’t necessarily elicit the response I thought I might get out of her, specifically, “NO, DON’T CALL THE DOCTOR OR MY TEACHER” as she climbed back into bed quietly, without a peep the rest of the night.  Instead of taking it as me threatening to tell on her, it was like she was joining my team, as if to say, “yeah, I don’t know what to do with me, either.  Let’s call the doctor.”

The next day, I finally did it.  I called and made an appointment with our doctor for this coming Tuesday.  I wish she could actually witness the spectacle of Ella's bedtime because I don't think my describing it gives it justice.  Really, I hope after that we walk away from that appointment with a #21 on the list of things we've tried and for that to be the end of it.  PLEASE.