The Challenge of Participation

When Ella was maybe 2 or 3 years old, we were told by her teachers that she didn't always participate in the classroom activities.  I honestly don't recall exactly what activities it was that she was choosing to skip, but it left an impression on me that I haven't had a reason to shake.  Ella doesn't always go with the proverbial flow -- Ella doesn't do anything Ella doesn't want to do.  I've seen her at birthday parties -- yes, plural -- sit along the wall, watching her friends participate in the themed activities with no intention of doing so herself... and be perfectly fine with it.  I find this both comforting and concerning.  Comforting as I look at her as a teenager being tempted to do things and choosing not to do them because what teenager really wants to do the crazy shit they do?  Concerning because I am a firm believer in the value of participation in the development of a child and his eventually leading a fulfilling life. I believe that participation in school and extracurricular activities made me the active, pretty well-rounded person that I am today.

So, yes, I want my kids to participate in activities, and I'm trying to instill some of that in them now.  But it's difficult.  Getting them to want to participate and try new things is a challenge at which I'm failing.  And I really don't know what the right approach is -- make them participate because they don't know how good and fun it can be or let them choose to participate when they know they're ready?

When I was growing up, I was a huge participator, playing any sport I could (except for soccer, of course), holding positions in the student council, accepting spots on the Mathletes and JETS teams, being a member of clubs from the Outdoor Club to the French Club, and, of course, actively participating in my schools' Spirit Week.  My parents didn't have to goad me to do this, either -- I did it all without question.  To me there was no choice, no alternative BUT to participate.  Of course, that was when I was older than the Leatherkids, say, 11 or 12.  I know I first tried out for softball, my first sport, when I was 9.  Maybe I didn't do anything before 9... but I would have given the choice!

With a couple of seasons under his belt and a dad who played, Cal is committed to baseball now and doesn't have any vision of anything other than baseball for himself.  But I do!  The kid is athletic.  I've seen him dribble a basketball time and time again, and I've listened to the thud of him dunking his mini basketball on the hoop on his bedroom door enough to know that he's at least interested in and has some skills for the game.  I know a player when I see one, and he's it.  So I keep asking him as I find Park District programs, "Cal, do you want me to sign you up for this basketball camp?"  He always gives me some wishy-washy answer, I tell him he needs to broaden his horizons and try different sports and that he'd be good and then we move on to a different topic altogether.  I've told him that skills I learned in basketball I applied to softball and vice versa.  I believe it, but it's lost on him.  He's 8.

And Ella, whom I believe is an even better athlete based on natural movement alone, is worse.  She has no vision of herself playing any sport whatsoever.  This is (sort of... take a breath, Mommy) fine; but I can't get her to want to do gymnastics or an art class (she's good at that, too!) or want to attend a freakin' birthday party.  She swims now and knows that once she becomes a "swimmer for life," we'll let her choose whether to continue to swim or not.  She's totally going to choose to not swim -- we let Cal off the hook at the same point, and she knows this.  But she's the better swimmer!  She could do it!  Ugh!

Our front door with targets

I played volleyball for many years, on school teams through college and in many competitive co-ed and women's leagues and organizations as an adult.  I absolutely love the game and loved my time playing it.  And I really want Ella to play the game.  I'm not sure exactly when it started, but I've been throwing out this question for some time now: "Ellie, do you want to play volleyball?"  Her answer has been a consistent "no."  But when her dad sent me a picture of her hair-do in December where she asked for her nearly patented "pony braid" with a bow on top "just like the volleyball players," you can bet that I jumped all over that and bought her a "lite" (for early learners) volleyball for Christmas.  That kid is going to (try to) play volleyball if it's the last thing I do.  I told her I'd put an "X" on our front door above Cal's strike zone so she can practice passing.  She asked for a check mark.  Sure, Ellie, whatever it takes.

Cal is 8, and Ella is 6.  That I feel a little behind in getting them involved and participating in activities is likely attributable to a handful of things.  For one, I work a lot and don't have much weekday time. We have weekends, and that's about it.  Second, Cal swam, spent two seconds playing soccer, a few Saturdays playing basketball and a couple of seasons playing baseball; Ella is swimming.  Their peers are doing so much more.  Are they asking to or are their parents making them because that's just what you do with your kids in the 'burbs?  We are, in fact, behind.  Is that okay?  Lastly, the Leatherkids just don't show the interest... at least, they say they're not interested. And making a disinterested Leatherman do something is downright painful.

Our plane

On Sunday, a co-worker of mine texted me out of the blue that he had reserved an airplane at our local airport and would I like to bring the family by to see the plane and even take ride?  Rather than reply immediately, "yes!", I asked the kids if they'd like to go.  Ella, without hesitating and sucking me in for some misery later, said she wanted to go.  Cal?  Cal said, "no"... repeatedly.  When it came time for Ella and me to head to meet my co-worker, I suffered so.  "I don't want to go," she repeated, and I can't remember all of the other negative stuff that she said.  When we got into the car, I broke into tears and told her to "just, please, go and be nice to Mr. Gevin... you can be mean and complain to me about it, but please, be nice when we're at the plane."  I was defeated.

Ella radioed up

It turns out, Ella was positive and enjoyed every moment we spent at and on that plane.  She doesn't know it, but she had an experience that few have or will ever had.  We went for an impromptu plane ride to Yorkville!  And what I took away from that is that, given the choice, she wouldn't have been there to experience it.  In the end, I made her go.  And my conclusion to it, applying it to the dilemma I've been facing in getting the Leatherkids to participate in things, is that I need to just sign them up, make them try new things.  Given the choice, they won't.  I know better, though.  As an experienced participator and knowing the positive effect it's had on my own life, I have to strongly influence them to participate in activities.  I know it'll be painful and likely involve my own tears; but it's important to me that they not hide from things, that they be well-rounded kids, that they find that they can do and enjoy more than they think they can and will by simply trying.

Cal may end up not being good at basketball and Ella not so at volleyball.  But I see potential, and I want them to just give these things -- any things, really -- a try.