"I don't want to be by you anymore!" This followed an exchange that Ella and I had in the pool at my sister-in-law's house this afternoon that ended with me just walking away. Ella delivered this message to me. At least I didn't yell back. I yelled yesterday, made my two Leatherkids cry and then made them listen to me preach about the importance of compromise. But that's another story.
I made the right choice today by walking away... only, Ella didn't think so.
How did we get to that point? Well, a few minutes before, the cousins were ganging up on their oldest cousin and trying to tip her off of her innertube and into the water. Everyone was having fun. Ella was one of the tippers. In fact, she was the smallest tipper; and when they finally tipped the tippee, Ella was left crying.
I hopped into the pool when I saw her, concerned that she might actually be hurt (and I really don't like to see my baby cry), and held her in my arms. I began questioning her. "What happened, Boo Boo?" I asked. Ellie... Boo Boo... these are my pet names for my girl. She tried to tell me what happened, and I failed to understand right from the start. You got kicked in the nose? No, run over. Run over by what? THAT. By what? THAT. Madi? No, THAT. The floatie? Whaaaaaa? I think the floatie had been sitting on a fly earlier, and the fly survived.
"YES, I TOLD YOU!" she yelled at me in that edgy, frustrated tone that really gets under my skin and generally sets me into my rant about my being her mother and that she needs to show me respect. But I refrained from ranting and calmly told her that I was trying to understand and help and that she needed to relax and treat me with respect. She didn't bite and yelled at me again.
So I walked away. As I did so, I told her that we'd talk later when she was calm and ready to talk.
She didn't like this, of course, insisting she was ready but still yelling at me. As I sat in my chair, she added her "I don't want to be by you anymore!" More than anything, this was actually kind of amusing, really. I mean, if you ask Ella at any time on any day of any week who she wants to be by, she'll more often than not tell you, "Mommy."
Anyway, she said this a few more times in between insisting she was ready to talk, again, in that biting tone; so I knew she wasn't really ready to talk. And then I thought I'd take a chance when I saw her, quiet and sad, sitting on the edge of the pool.
I walked over and sat near her and asked her to come sit next to me so we could talk. This wasn't an unreasonable request; but she wasn't reasonable. She yelled at me again, I'm sure about the fact I wasn't sitting next to her, perhaps even more. I explained to her my reasoning -- the concrete is bad for our bathing suits, whereas the pool steps are not. I figure if I can explain my reasoning so she knows it's based in something sound, one day it'll stick.
She wanted nothing to do with moving, and I certainly wasn't. I noticed all of her cousins were on the other side of the pool; so I told her that if she continued to be mean like she was, no one would want to be with her. I then told her that I love her, and I stood up, the first step to walking away. This garnered this response, "I won't say 'I love you' ANY MORE!" I told her this hurts my feelings (it really doesn't hurt, not anymore), but walked away, again throwing out the suggestion that we talk when she calms down.
I sat down in my chair across the pool from her, and we exchanged a few more words. I honestly don't remember what they were; but I'm sure she was mean, and I was childish. Eventually, she stormed off into the house, but not before getting this jab in: "I don't want to live in our house ANY MORE!" (she used this one yesterday), as if this had anything to do with the situation. She quickly made her way back out without my noticing and sat with the adults on the deck near the pool. When I saw her, I made my way over to her and gave her a kiss on her head. She didn't smile. In fact, she frowned an angry frown. But she said nothing, and I walked inside the house for a few minutes.
As I approached the door to head back out, Ella was walking in. She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes. And without a smile, she started to hug me. I knelt down so we'd be of similar height and hugged her back... for a long time. We didn't say anything -- no kidding -- we just hugged for a long time. Once we were finished, we went back outside to continue to enjoy the pool.
Eventually, the pool cleared; and I found myself alone by it. What an opportunity I was given to be outside and enjoy some silence! I decided to climb into that same innertube that I believe had run over Ella and made her cry and just floated in the pool. I did this for maybe five minutes before Ella was standing at the edge of the pool wanting to join me. I asked her if she wanted to sit in the pink floatie "just like Mommy," and she did. So I helped her into that one and climbed back into mine; and we floated together, me ensuring we stayed side-by-side by holding her tube with my hand.
I don't know how long we floated together before Ella's cousin came out and joined us. Fifteen minues, maybe? Whatever it was, it was nice. We were pleasant with each other, talked about what we were doing and "worried" about bugs as if nothing had happened earlier.
We were fine. And we never did talk about what had happened between us earlier. That ship had sailed. That moment was gone. And that was fine... I think. The last thing she needed was another speech from me. I don't know if she really understands what respect is, anyway, even when I explain it. I think just walking away from her when she was completely unreasonable and unpleasant was the right response to, the right consequence of her yelling at and being mean to me. Because she actually wanted me to stay. And she really does love me.
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