... Seven Days Later

Seven days ago and when I last posted an entry in my blog, I was incredibly disappointed in myself, mad at Ella, sad for Cal and at my wits’ end re: what to do next.  Ella had pushed one too many of my buttons, and we were on a course that I know I, along with everyone else in our house, didn’t like.  Change was needed that day.
 
I came up with a list of things to do to change our course, and I’m happy to say that it’s not just a list made to make myself feel better at the time.  I’m actually sticking to it.  (Lists have that effect on me.)  So I thought I’d check back in with a status of each of the items on my list and how it’s going after a week of being “in effect.”

First, re-boot myself so that my patience and tolerance for Ella as she tackles toddlerhood is back to an acceptable parenting level.  My short fuse certainly isn't helping the situation.

Status:  Done.  It was a necessary first step on which all others were dependent.  And it didn’t take long to do, either.  This was nothing more than a conscious decision to change my perspective.  An initial deep breath followed by a simple smile helped make this happen.

Second, no more yelling.  I'm tired of hearing myself played back to me when my kids yell in response to a situation not going as they'd like.

Status:  In effect.  I haven’t yelled since that morning.  I’ve been loud and stern so as to best attempt effective communication of the seriousness of my message; but I have not screamed at my kids at all.  So far, I have this in check, sometimes just barely – Ella’s nighttime “games” really get under my skin. But I am mentally committed to seeing this no-yelling thing through.

Third, no more instant "No."  I think Ella is playing that back to me just as I deliver it to her.  I will still say "No" but differently... more thoughtfully, as if to suggest a reason, which I always have but just don't necessarily communicate.

Status:  Working on it.  I’ll be honest: I say “no” a lot.  I think the kids must innately know something about the law of averages – at some point, I’ll surely say “yes” to a question that really warrants a “no.”  They probably get me every once in awhile, too.  But when you say “no” a lot, it’s pretty exhausting not only providing backup for the “no,” but even just delivering a softer “no.”  It’s always in the back of my mind, though, so I find myself explaining, albeit briefly, more nos than not, if even with a “because I don’t want you to” or “well, because I said so.”  What remains to be seen is the effect, if any, this will have on Ella – so far, no change as she still gives me a lot of instant nos herself.

Fourth, have Ella select her next-day outfit the night before and lay it out for her.  We did this with Cal to mitigate the risk of him having his own clothing meltdown in the fast-paced, time-crunched mornings, and have only done it spottily with Ella.  It works, so we'll do it religiously.

Status: In effect on weekdays.  It hasn’t eliminated the challenges of getting Ella dressed in the morning (see commentary re: step nine), but it has helped contain the scope of things that could go south.  Less scope = less risk of something going wrong given everything else stays the same.

Fifth, enforce the time-boxed bedtime routine at all times.  If they (Cal included) choose to run around and play instead of getting ready for bed, then they get no books at the end of it.  It's their choice.  If Ella chooses to battle getting her jammies on, then no books for her (and likely no jammies).  Again, it's her choice.

Status: In effect… sometimes, and I don’t really know why only sometimes.  There were two nights where we couldn’t really use it, once because we watched a movie (Frozen) which took us right up to bedtime with no books and another time because we were out of town for the afternoon and returning at bedtime.  And tonight, well, tonight was actually really, really good from the moment I got home with the kids until the moment it was time to head upstairs for bed… and I just forgot.  This technique seems to be most effective on shower/bath nights – getting the kids to cooperate in getting undressed and into the shower/bathtub needs a timer for motivation purposes.

Sixth, stick with the "Frozen" soundtrack.  We played it for each of the kids once they were lying in their beds last night and again tonight.  While not a cure-all, it did seem to make things a little better... a few less "I love yous" and "are you not closing your doors?" coming from Ella's room to acknowledge from wherever I am in the house before she fell asleep.

Status: In effect and working.  That's the upside.  The downside is that the song, "Let it Go," is a permanent fixture in my head.  I may be talking about forecasts and metrics at work all the while thinking "the cold never bothered me anyway."   

Seventh, offer to hold Ella every once in awhile during a tantrum or unwarranted obstinacy (if she'll let me).  Maybe this will calm her down and help me yell less.

Status: I used this once (I don’t remember in what specific situation), and it worked.  Ella relaxed and rested her head on my shoulder; and I felt like I was being a comforting mommy instead of a wicked stepmother.

Eighth, reintroduce the Reward Chart to encourage Ella to listen, cooperate grow and just be a nicer person.  Thus far, encouragement for good behavior hasn't reduced the amount of Ella's "sad choices" (a school term); and the Reward Chart concept has been a little lost on her.  Maybe it's worth another try.

Status: Started this morning.  One day does not make for a trend, but I hope it’s at least indicative of good things to come.  Ella has five goals on her Reward Chart, and I consulted only Dan in itemizing it.  Here are her five goals, each one with a week’s worth of boxes in which she’ll put a sticker if we agree that she achieved the goal:

Before today, Ella had already gone three days waking up with a dry Pull-Up and woke up this morning dry; technically, three more in a row, and she’ll be out of them entirely.  She did get dressed with no resistance this morning but with more assistance than I’d like – I gave it to her anyway because she was at least pretty pleasant about it (I'll get tougher on her... I will).  She did not whine at the dinner table tonight (I’m saying, it was a really great night); and I think I’m going to give her the go-to-bed-and-stay-in-bed-quietly sticker – it’s not that she did it like I’d like her to do it, but it was remarkably better than usual (for this one, too, I'll get tougher... I will).  And the one about Mommy’s door?  This is the best one.  Before putting her in bed, I reminded her of numbers 1 and 3 and actually saw her look at the chart as I took my first step toward the door.  Not once did she mention my door.  Hallelujah!  If it only works for tonight, I’ll still have tonight to remember fondly.

Ninth, threaten to put jeans on her if she doesn't cooperate in the morning.  Ella does not like jeans.  It's a win-win for me - if it works, she cooperates with getting dressed; if it doesn't work, she wears jeans, something I like.

Status: Used... twice already.  Tears and frown aside, I thought Ella looked pretty cute in her jeans!

Tenth, look for options - aka distractions - to eliminate.  Ella has a seemingly endless list of pre-bed things to do which is only stopped when Dan or I lose it, thereby putting an end to it.  The other day, it was flip-flopping stools in the bathroom that set me off - maybe we just keep one stool in the bathroom.

Status:  Nothing to report just yet.

Eleventh, get help if 1-10 don't seem to be working. Dan and I are being presented with unprecedented levels of toddlerhood, and I shouldn't be too proud to suggest that I have no clue what I'm doing.  I will take any help I can get.

Status:  Haven’t had to tap into this yet.

Twelfth, make sure Cal gets good, Ella-less attention and hugs from me.  I don't know if he needs that, but I need to give that to him.

Status:  Trying.  Dan and I switch off putting each of the kids to bed (Dan puts Ella to bed and I put Cal to bed one night; the next night, we switch).  A couple of the times that I put Cal to bed, I’ve lain with him in his bed for a few minutes after we finished reading his books.  Inevitably, Ella is yelling from her room either about my closing my door or announcing she needs help with her covers or has something else to tell me.  Dan’s already downstairs.  I try not to acknowledge it and pretend it’s silent so Cal and I can have our cuddle time; but Cal cuts that short and tells me to go help her.  “Are you sure?” I ask him, to which he always responds, “Yes." 

In other words, better... much better.

Stay tuned for a post later this week about Cal's "going-to-the-bathroom" reward chart, inspired by Ella's 5-goal reward chart.  It's a riot.

Note: I was premature in saying that I'd give Ella a sticker for going to bed and staying in bed... quietly on night 1 of her reward chart being in effect.  To do so would discount the misery that Dan and I suffered at the hand of an over-tired, bossy, crying, out-of-bed, needy and remarkably resilient Ella at around midnight... a couple of hours after I posted this.  We'll keep trying.